image via here

As the Christmas season* (my birthday as well, hint hint) draws near, here are some fun tips** to remember.

Holiday Shopping for Dummies:
10 Things Retail Employees Wish Every Customer Knew

1. It’s busy. It’s the week before Christmas; what did you expect? If you prefer to shop in an environment that is not crowded, loud, or busy, do your shopping online. Or in October.

2. It’s December 24^th and there are only 0 Long and 14 Short left in the jeans your daughter wants. And there are only extra small and double extra large left in your son’s desired sweatshirt. There are two main reasons for this holiday shopping trauma: (a) it’s Christmas Eve, and (b) most people are not extra small, double extra large, 0 Long, or 14 Short, so those sizes remain.

3. The only size left in everything your niece wants is extra small, which, incidentally, is not her size. Why might this be? It is not because stores think everyone should be extra small. In fact, it is because the majority of people are not extra small—that’s why all the other sizes are sold out.

4. The cashier asked twice during the transaction if you wanted gift receipts and you said no. When the transaction is done, she cannot go back and reprint them. (Excitingly enough, we now can. But our options are all on one, or all separate, not “these 2 items on one, these three on another, and this one on another.”)

5. Stores that provide free gift boxes do so as a courtesy to their customers. However, they may run out multiple times during the holiday season. Do not get mad at them—they are not required to provide gift boxes at all, much less free. The mall would probably appreciate it if no stores did, since the customer service desk sells them! If a store has run out of gift boxes, do not yell at the employees. They have no control over shipment delivery. Yell at the distribution center—we’d sure like to sometimes! Another thing to remember is that gift boxes are not necessary. You can always use gift bags…or just plain wrapping paper.

6. Knowing the size of whomever you are shopping for is a good idea. (“13-year-old girl” is not a size.) Another thing to remember about size is that your child, unless she is a size 00 extra long, probably does not wear a unique or impossible-to-find size. Most stores carry extra small through extra large, 0 Short through 14 Long.

7. Store employees know how their clothes fit. They also know how other stores’ clothing fits comparable to their own. However, they will not be able to tell you “exactly” how the shirt will fit your child. They can tell you if it runs true to size, large, or small.

8. Your child does not want you to tell the associate why the size doesn’t fit. The associate doesn’t need to know why it doesn’t fit. Asking for the next size up or down will appease all involved. If you feel the need to give some kind of explanation, please keep it to “it’s a little short/long/tight/big,” and refrain from comments such as “My granddaughter is just too busty for this style of shirt,” or “These jeans make my daughter look fat.” (And yes, I have heard these from actual customers.)

9. Lower-numbered sizes are smaller than larger-numbered sizes: a 6 is smaller than an 8 and bigger than a 4. If the sizes are labeled 32×32, 28×30, 34×34, etc., the first number is the waist size (in inches), and the second number is the inseam (in inches). To find the difference between sizes, subtract.

10. Look carefully at signage. Most stores put “and up” on their signs. This is not to trick you. It is because there are usually multiple styles on the same table or fixture, and they are not all the same price. If you have a question about the price, ask about it. A clearance fixture with the sign “$9.95 and up” will contain a range of prices from $9.95 to $69.95 or higher. None of these prices are any more or less “clearance” than any other.  Oh, except those tanks left over from two summers ago that someone returned last week.

11. BONUS! “The customer is always right” sounds good, but it’s actually not 100% true in retail. There are corporate policies that stores have to follow. They will do everything they can, but some rules can’t be bent. We can’t give you back cash if you paid with a gift card; we can only give you current price if you don’t have a receipt; etc.  We will do whatever possible to help you out, but we are limited in certain areas.

And by the way, we have the best return policy; where else is there no time limit and returns can be made for whatever reason you come up with, including “Oh, my jeans fell apart” or “The strap on my bra frayed”?!  (Yes, sir, your jeans have holes in them because you’ve had them since July of 2003; and yes, ma’am, the strap on your bra frayed because you’ve had it since 2008 and oh, you said you’ve been washing and drying it in the machine with all your other clothes?  Well, there you go.  But we’ll still let you exchange them for like items!)

*As there are a variety of holidays around this time which involve getting & giving gifts, in the retail world, it is “holiday.”  Not because they’re anti-Christian and trying to get rid of Christmas.  When referring to the current collection, I will call it our holiday line because that’s what it is (if you don’t believe me, look at the tag above the barcode on the left side.  It says ‘hol1’ or ‘hol2’ on aerie merchandise if it’s from the holiday floorset.)  I won’t say “Happy Holidays” or, even worse, “Seasons Greetings” to a customer because I, personally, think they sound dumb.  But when making conversation, I may ask if you’re doing Christmas shopping, not ‘holiday shopping’ because that sounds dumb too.  If I work on Christmas Eve, I will say “Merry Christmas.”  If it’s any other day, probably not.  Simply because it’s not Christmas yet.  (And if you’re at the mall on Christmas Eve, you’re probably a last-minute shopper type shopping for, you guessed it, CHRISTMAS.)  I probably won’t ever say “Happy Kwanzaa” or “Happy Hanukkah” because I probably won’t know what day(s) they are.  Unless Hanukkah is on my birthday; then I might remember, but I still won’t say “Happy Hanukkah” to you.  The end.

**This was written for my Language Arts Methods class, where we got to experience a Writer’s Workshop.  We had to bring in our inspiration.  Mine was my work schedule, and we had just finished holiday at work, moving on to spring trans & spring.  Please do not be offended by any of these…they are intended to be funny and give you a bit of insight into what is really going on in stores, specifically AE.